Reality Check

"I gave up. There is no other way to say it. I gave up. So much has happened in the last year I lost my drive. I am up to 280. That means I am 20 pounds shy of 300. How horrid!

I started back at the gym last week. Now that I am not traveling so much I am not sure what my long term goal is. But I do know I want to be under 200. I guess everyone has a relapse I just wish I didn't have them at all."

I wrote that, but didn't post it almost a two weeks ago. I have been really beating myself up for the weight gain. To say it is upsetting is an understatement. I started going to the gym again and I walk the dog every night. But I have more going on then what I had actually posted.

Yes I did gained back some of the weight I had lost a year ago. But it was gradual and I stayed at 265 for a few months. Then suddenly I gained 15 pounds in less then a 3 week time period. I lost the hearing in my left ear (over night) and my body is swelling (like feet, ankles, hands....). So here I am thinking this is just because I gained the weight back.

Things have started to get worse with the swelling and now I am on month 3 of limited if no hearing in my left year. I went to the doctor yesterday. He did all the standard tests, checking kidney's, thyroid , protein levels and so on. Then tell me to come back for a chest x-ray the next day. And a few other details I am going to leave out of this public post. What does it mean? I means for 24 hrs I was scared but tried to play it off as no big deal.

I had my x-ray today. My heart is enlarged. The best way I can describe it looks like a huge blob in my x-ray. So I am scheduled for a echo cardio on May 17th to find out what is going on. I mentioned the hearing loss (oh yeah found out the doctor offices were not sharing my records so he didn't have this little bit of information). So he thinks I might have a viral infection.

So what does this mean?
1) I am not really healthy right now
2) my sudden weight gain may not "just me being lazy"
3) I am scared and need to get my health in check because I am too young to have all these problems.

I can not do any cardo exercises until after my appointment, but I can still walk so Chico will be happy to know I will be taking him on his nightly walks.

I should be a lot more scared then I am right, but reality is I have been through issues before with my heart. When I was 14 I was diagnosed with PAT. But I still enlisted in the Navy and a healthy normal life.
I know, I know. If I have a heart condition then why have not taken better care of myself? I really cant answer that. I know better. Yet I let my health drastically deteriorate. I have avoided surgeries up until now since they were recommended but not critical, I don't know if I can say that for much longer. What surgeries? I don't wish to discuss them now.... I guess it is my way for denying the severity of a 38 year old woman being nearly 300 pounds.

Ridiculing me will do nothing. I have to make the change. I see the looks of disgust all the time from so called healthy people. Yes thank you I own a mirror, I am all to aware of what I look like. I didn't get this way over night. No I don't eat daily portions of donutes, pizza and soda or wht ever greasy fatty food while sitting on my butt watching Jerry Springer. I gained it over a period of time due to poor diet at times, lack of my once active routine and a whole lot of stress over the past 10 years. All that has changed now but it will take a while to see the results.

I am trying to stay positive. I am on some medication now that will help the swelling and hopefully will reduce the swelling around my heart. I am hoping this was caught in time, that I have not done any permanent damage.

One thing I know. I had my last relapse. If I want to see all my daughters graduate high school and college and start thier own families, I need to not just drop the weight, but change my life style.